darknet! if youre scared to get something illegal sent to your house, you can try research chemicals.
alternatively, if you have the strength to go to the store, you could see if you can find dxm only cough syrup (make sure there's no extra ingredients!)
id recommend looking into mdma or dissociatives as a first, if you cant get weed. psychedelics make a good 2nd or 3rd but not a very good first.