(This was the last part)
When I crave for her flesh and her touch, I feel bolstered to work myself so that I may be worthy of her ignoring any pain or suffering as a strive to be worthy of her.
But when I ponder on her selfless devotion towards the one she loves, how she keeps him from suffering without any doubt, how impossible and futile it is to keep a secret from her,
how much value she deposits on trust and how you are able to know every single thing she feels at its rawest form is when I crumble,
when I reminisce of why I crave this unwavering trust from her, when I remember how cold I feel inside and the warmth she is capable of igniting within me is when I collapse and the pain
becomes too much to bear, when her radiant love melts the ice inside my head and the water leaks.
I tend to bottle it all up and go around with a fake smile, perfectly capable of acting like I am okay with a mask I have been working on ever since I have memory.
And yet, there is someone capable of seeing through everything and breaking me apart mask by mask, stage by stage.
I cannot lie to her when I falsely claim I am ok, I cannot keep her from peeking inside my mind and seeing everything I have been hiding there for decades.
Sometimes I dream of trying to lie to her, of acting in front of her like I always do to everyone else only to have her break me, to kneel in front of her sobbing knowing full well that she has seen
through everything and knows how damaged I am.
I tend to dream of having someone who I fully trust not because of some idiotic promise but because there is no filter between us and lying is outright impossible, and when I dream of that person she is
always there sometimes smiling, sometimes staring at me with curiosity, sometimes glaring at me with those verdant eyes, sometimes dozing off, sometimes waiting but in every single scenario she makes
me wish for her to be here.
I always get too fucked up when I ponder on this part of her, goodnight