I have recently contemplated just how utterly fucked I am.
In my teens I used to be a healthy young man who frequented the gym and had ideals he lived by, ambition and a dream of success but all of that faded away over the years.
These days I am an idle and lonely piece of shit who only goes out to go grocery shopping and lives off of government funds which will be cut off in less than a year and I have no plans beyond that whatsoever. I waste my entire day shitposting on 4chan, watching Youtube videos and masturbating. Occasionally force myself to play video games too. Of course I don't have to mention that I have zero friends.
I have thought about suicide but to me it seems very illogical to kill myself so I never seriously considered it. Maybe that means I am not genuinely depressed or suffering and just lying to myself about it I'm not really sure. I do think I am a very optimistic person and I have made a million attempts to get myself out of this ditch but nothing I tried bore fruit. And exactly due to all those attempts to break myself out of this state of mind even following attempt seems like an empty lie that doesn't mean anything anyway.
I can't even follow the baby workout program I have set-up for myself which consists of a few push-ups and sit-ups and some minor cardio. It feels like every muscle in my body is numb and can't do anything. I have no one to help me. I suppose the real tragedy is though that I don't even mind living like this but exactly that indifference to everything is what has ruined my life. Not to mention that soon I will not be able to continue this lifestyle, neither financially nor am I confident I will survive for long. I just don't understand how I have ended up like this, caring about absolutely nothing and nobody. It's like my entire life is taking place in an empty dark movie theater and I am watching the movie of life while being completely disinterested in it yet I have nothing better to do so here I am.
What do you think?