Today I was rejected by a girl (the only feasible chance of me loosing my virginity, without going to a prostitute), the worst part was that she thought that i was joking. I was bummed out at being laughed off, but i wrote it off as bad timing or bad execution. Now I realise that no one ever takes me seriously. All my life I've been perusing the jester archetype, thinking that if i make people laugh and make degrading jokes about myself I would seem more approachable and likable. Now i realise that I've written myself into a corner, everyone thinks that am just some deprived, beta ,idiot. I've been playing this role for so long ,that i don't think that i could change overnight ,and even if i change the damage is already done.The worst part is that I've been degrading and being 'kind' to people that i barely anything in common, just to fit in. The few real friends i have are all studying or working abroad.
I must change.