(3/4) I miscalculated, I know.
After a month in there, I realised that my honesty wasn't going to get me the outcome I desired, so I had two options. Either suck it up and deal with the rest of my enlistment in complete misery, or find a way to convince them I should be booted. I've chosen the latter.
To help facilitate it, I've deliberately plunged myself into depression once again. I forced myself back into porn and started staying up late to only get 2-4 hours of sleep a night to begin looking fucked at work. I stopped going out on purpose, but I really did feel like shit anytime I did anyways. At first, I was in control of it, but the issues I emulate have begun to legitimately take hold.. I've developed a real sense of insomnia now and cant get much sleep even if I want to. Im truly addicted to porn again, but its an outcome I knew would eventually happen and I know how to get out of it now. My true worries now aren't if I'm making the right decision doing this, as I have all the confidence it will lead to a better me. My worries now stem from whether or not this will work.. In all honesty, I don't see myself surviving this enlistment. I've carried suicidal ideations in my past but even before this event it wasn't this bad.
On top of it all, I told my father of my desire to leave and he explained that I'm not welcomed back home. I'm the only person in my family to really try and do anything with my life and I know my family would be disappointed, but then again I don't have the greatest respect for my family in the first place, so fuck em. Cant say what he said didn't hurt, though.