Even though I've been confronting my anxiety and pushing myself to reach out to people I'd like back in my life and all of those efforts have been successful, I can't help but wonder how much of it is "deserved."
I attempted suicide a few years ago, and although I didn't make a huge fuss about it with some kind of big public goodbye, I did talk to two people about it, and I believe word has since spread. I'm not really ashamed about it, but it makes me wonder how much of my recent successes are attributed to pity or sympathy. Do they really reciprocate the longing I've felt for them or do they care just enough to go through the motions so I don't try anything again? While I'm messaging them it never feels like there's an unresolved issue, it just feels normal. But I still can't help but wonder.
It's a nagging feeling that comes and goes, but it doesn't weigh too heavily on me because regardless of the answer, my following action is virtually the same: just treat them like a friend. I can't control how they feel, I can only control what I do.
It's like a ship at sea. You can't control the ocean, you can only control the ship. When the waters get unwieldy, all you can do is adapt. There's no use worrying about things you can't change. And just because you can't change everything doesn't mean your dreams are impossible. You just have to find another way to get there. Stay sharp. There's always a way to get there.