I just mean in the final accounting I can't blame anyone but myself that I don't have that sort of thing in my life anymore.
And honestly I can't really complain. I have a good circle of friends that take care of each other and have a fun time. But it is exactly like you say with the focus on groups. We certainly enjoy each others company, but it just seems inferior compared to a close individual friendship.
I think a lot of it does come down to what you said about how it used to be enough to just think someone was cool. There is something incredibly satisfying about a close relationship without stakes. That sort of thing is impossible with romance where there will always be stakes, and rare with friendships that usually seem to come together as much out of convenience as anything else these days.
Even though they don't last forever those sorts of friendships were cathartic in a way that I haven't found a match for since.
The lack is just motivation to be comfortable by yourself I suppose