i prepared myself before sending the dm, as i knew from experience that the awful nervous sensation i get around strangers would arise once more, and for as long as it took for them to respond, i have to keep myself occupied to avoid the feeling.
i have been unable to keep my mind occupied.
today marked a week since she read my msg. sure, things could've gone worse, but that only exists as a weak platitude for how i feel currently. to me, all the emotions and experiences that i had that were positive that night, even past a potential romantic level, should be cast away, as i am no longer accepted as a person worthy to feel these particular feelings.
i've always loved the film taxi driver, because of it's great depiction of loneliness that i can relate to, and that others surely can too. but there are also a lot of other undertones to take into consideration with the film. one of them being masculinity and it's tie with societal acceptance. i think for much of my life, i've been disenfranchised with society. for many like me, i think, significant others represent a form of acceptance. someone unrelated to us, who, by their own will, chooses to be with us, hopefully unconditionally. we often reach for this route to acceptance, and by extension society. many are familiar with the feeling of being cast away. i think many can relate to travis bickle and what he has to experience, but not to the same extent that he does. he is the worst possible scenario, he is what everyone fears becoming. every person who can relate to him has various things (school/family/work) preventing them from turning into another travis. the only thing preventing me from becoming him is the fact that travis was too ignorant to understand that he needed help; it's not a lot. if i'm being honest, it scares me. i don't want to end up alone. but what am i supposed to do when everything feels like its 1 step forward 3 steps backwards?
i'm so tired. i just want to be loved and accepted.