Aspring chemist here entering my 3rd year at UIUC.
Ever since I started uni, I realized how much I wanted to be successful and not mediocre at my studies despite being so apathetic in high school. I know I have to keep at it, but it is so disappointing not being where you want to be.
Pic is sorta related. I have been going through vicious cycles of ecstasy and depression ever since my grandmother died, there has been a void that never seemed to heal. The anniversary is in June and even after 2 years, I cannot even think about her or her death without tearing up. At least she got to see me in my graduation cap and gown before she died. Going away to uni was a very cool experience and I was excited, but my grandmother's death made me more reserved and introverted, much different than my extroverted high school self. I began missing high school, my friends back home, my exgf, my grandmother. I would only feel happy when I was with my friends back home,but never in my own house - the place has too many memories of her. Studying kept me distracted, but not seeing my grades where I wanted them was discouraging. Not happy at uni, not happy at home. It very much feels like this sadness is infinite