Just finished finals at my first year of Uni, I became infatuated with a girl in one of my classes. The type of infatuation that happens so rarely you can't really recall the last time you felt that way. Things lead to things, I thought she was flirting, asked her out, got a very light rejection and we still talked for a while afterwards. I'm sick of posting about it on 4chan but it was therapeutic for me when it happened. I'm moving on but still will randomly hear things that remind me of her and then I will wonder that if I said something different or asked her out in a different way then maybe she would have said yes. I want to forget about it, this shouldn't be affecting me so much.
Now I'm back home and I just feel so numb, I'm waking up at 1pm and staying up until 4 or 5am regularly, I've stopped shaving, I've stopped styling my hair, I've stopped caring about what I eat. It's not her that makes me feel this way, it's this overwhelming sense of loneliness. Even around friends I feel alone. She was that one thing that maybe could have made me feel wanted, and she's out of the picture. It's not her, it's the idea of someone like her, the idea that I could have someone to spend nights with and laugh with but I don't and never have.
I have insane trust issues and push everyone away. I like when nobody cares about me, I don't want people to give a shit about me. That makes it hard for me to even want a gf, I want love, I want it so badly, but how can I expect love when I'm cold and can't express serious emotions outside of anger and sorrow.
I'm coming out of a depression I think, some days are worse than others, some hours are worse than others, this is a bad hour. I'm going to play video games and see old friends to maybe feel better.
Anyways, here's some music for the vibe I'm feeling right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcDuR9BF0Oc
good thread OP.