I just want to vent two things.
1) Been housemates with a university coursemate for about 9 months now, I caught feelings half way through and it fucking sucks because she has a boyfriend.
She's someone I can talk to for ages and a good friend, however it hits me like a tonne of bricks whenever she mentions her bf or when the conversation is over and I realise that she'll never be anything more than a friend.
I couldn't even steal her if I wanted to considering I'm a 20 year old kissless virgin with low self-esteem while her bf is actually doing something with his life. It's coming to the end of the tenancy and I'm conflicted with wether I'm happy about it or not; on one hand living with her is a blast and i don't want it to end, while on the other hand I just want to leave and get over her already. The sad thing is we'll probably drift apart and lose contact when we move out anyway.
2) I fucked up my exams which has probably fucked my chance of studying in Japan for a year. The worst part is that, She keeps mentioning how I'll be in Japan in September when I know for a fact they'll decline me when results come out. I'll probably have to resit, or even worse redo the year. I'm a lazy fuck with no self discipline considering I've done this for 4 years in a row. I don't even know how I got into university with the grades I got. I always say I'll do better next time but I always repeat the same mistakes.
I really fear that if I don't change as a person now, I never will.