You know it really fucking sucks how much guilt ridden my life is, since it's beginnings the feeling that I remember the most is guilt. Probably because of my father, he is the the one who has always been the most displeased with me and my behavior, and my lack of success in everything, which isn't surprising at all how it has affected my personality, into me becoming the self loathing anxious roach that I am, same as Herman with Kafka, although to a much pettier degree in comparison to what the poor soul had to suffer. I'm ashamed to even compare myself to the wretched beautiful twisted soul that he possessed. God I'm going full cringe mode now, so maybe I should stop. Or not, far cringier shit has been posted in this shitty website, so why not continue, it's much easier than having to write in my diary, which I have found impossible to do lately. I remember a time when I was really satisfied with myself, a bit over a year ago in spring. Stuff with school was pretty quiet, and I had lots of time to read and meditate and spend time with myself, and it was awesome. I remember reading Siddhartha and The Brothers Karamazov, feeling so fulfilled, I was so fine with everything, and I wonder what happened and if I can find my way back to that state of mind. Maybe I should go back to reading, meditating, working out, eating properly, quitting smoking. It just feels so far away and so cheesy that I don't even bother one bit to strive towards these long established goals to a fulfilling life. Anyway I'm done, if you have made it through all of this, then I thank you for paying attention and applaud you for having the patience to make it through the cringefest that just came out of a typical confused teen guy from a poor country.
Here's a better pic I shot on that trip.