>>7358708>I am crushed the years of trust he's gone and thrown away
Don't be. Clearly he wasn't the good friend you thought he was, you haven't lost anything of value. All you've lost is a lie that you previously believed, it hurts now but it will pass. Meanwhile, you said "one of" your close friends so I assume you have others, talk with them about what you're dealing with. Or else there's possibly family, a priest or some such if you're religious, or actual professional councilors and mental well being experts, just go talk to someone you feel comfortable with, please. I may not know you at all, but I don't want you to kill yourself, that's the worst way to go.
Papes like this always help me when I'm in moods bordering on suicidal, ironically the dark and bleak atmosphere make me feel calm and hopeful. I like to think it's because it reminds me of being outside in the very early morning, just before the sun crests the horizon.