Rise above, anon.
I told myself during new year's evening that I would kill myself sometime this year. Since then, I've had 4 failed suicide attempts, and done plenty of damage to my body.
I've lost all my friends, and my family, for the most of it, have just seen me as a burden for this year. 2016 has been the worst year of my life, and my depression, anxiety and other issues have been at their worst.
But I'm here, and I'm alive. Not because I suck at killing myself, but because failing so many times made me realise that it isn't worth it.
I told myself that I would be 'free', and that I would no longer suffer pain in this world. Looking back at it now, I'm embarrassed at what I used to be.
A pitiful, empty, wasteful crying heap of shit. I don't blame my family for seeing me as a burden. I didn't want to make myself any better, and I felt comfortable the way I was. (Or, the thought of changing made me uncomfortable)
What it took for me to change my mindset was a long hard look at myself. I saw myself as this weak piece of shit, and honestly, I was so fed up of being the way I was.
I realised that since I wasn't scared of death any longer, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted since it didn't matter if I died in the process. I haven't quite gotten the chance to do anything that extreme yet, but I've pushed myself to the point of bettering myself, and I'm grateful to be alive right now.
I decided to join the gym, start eating better, learn new instruments, meet new people, have new friends, etc. (In that order. Going to the gym made me a more confident person)
I also decided to get help, and so I started seeing a therapist and got some CBT which made my anxiety more bearable.
This is probably all a mess to read, but I feel what you're going through so strongly, and I'm just writing down all of my thoughts, in hopes that you'll be able to read it and understand it.