Tonight, for the first time in a better part of a decade, I've felt happy. I'm 24 and I've been at least mildly depressed for about as long as I can remember.
I don't know what happened, but something just clicked today. It'll most likely fade away eventually, but I'm going to try my hardest to hold on to this.
It was a very busy day at work, Friday at a pizza joint but we rocked it. But it wasn't until I was closing when I realized that I seriously want to go on a cross country trip and should figure out how to work it out.
I had motivation and desire. It was a nice fuzzy feeling. Not happiness, but it definitely helped form it later on.
Finished up closing and walked to my car, and it finally felt like autumn weather. The smell, the cool air, just everything was perfect.
And I was sad for a moment, because the few friends that might've been up had already gone to bed. I felt alone. But then I decided fuck it, I can enjoy this on my own, just focus on how beautiful things are in this moment.
Drove around, windows down, just to think. And something came up from the past, like one of those awkward moments you randomly remember for years and years. And my default thought came through. A "FUCK" or a "I want to die" sort of thing. Just a regular thing to cross through my head on a daily basis.
But I remembered the road trip my friends and I went on last weekend, my friend drove (not the best of drivers). And I remembered how when we were about to crash, I definitely did not want to die, and found that funny. And I said out loud "No I don't. I want to live"
I don't know guys, that sort of broke some barrier for me. I'm sure all of us have heard to just trick yourself to be happy, and how much bullshit that feels like, and how hard it is to put forth an active effort and so we don't try very hard for very long.
I don't understand what happened, but everything has been so much brighter for me in the past hour.
And I hope to hold on to this.>tl;dr gay shit