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I don't remember what it feels like to be happy. I don't have a single memory that I can look back to where I was generally happy. That doesn't mean that I haven't had days that I enjoyed, days where I felt like I was on an upswing. I don't remember how to be happy. I'm so far gone. I've been running on empty for so long. I've transcended past rock bottom. I will endlessly wander this wasteland, guided only by a sickness, not a purpose. I will continue to run on empty. It's the only thing that I know. I try so hard to feel better but my mind is so dark and complex. It refuses to get better. I'm angry at the universe. I'm angry at the injustice of our world. Everything that I try to do just backfires. If I try to shrink my world it expands. If I try to forgive I just build resentment. If I try to let go I just clench my fists even tighter. I'm in a vicious cycle in every way. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Why are people so selfish. I'm being tortured every waking second and they just won't let me go. They say I have a bright future. I don't give a fuck. I don't want or need anything that this world has to offer. I just want to stop existing so fucking bad. But they won't let me go. They tell me to continue suffering. The people that I love just want me to suffer. That's all that existence will ever be for me. Even if I get better it won't be worth it. It will never be worth it. There's no fucking point and I don't want anything. Just let me die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Please get me out of this. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm caught in hell and nobody gives a fuck. They say they love me but it's a fucking lie. Nobody would wish this upon the worst of their enemies and yet they wish it upon me. They don't think they are, but they are. I tell them I'm in pain and they want me to continue living. They have hope that I'll get better and it's fucking stupid.