i'm 26 and i finally applied for an apartment just today, almost on accident
i am a fucking nervous wreck
i dont want to live around here, but i want to be near my family.
i dont want to live in this country, but im not sure the others are better.
i dont want to get stuck, but i'm terrified to move.
i have a job that's adequate, but unfulfilling, but i'm far to scared to look for another one.
i have more "friends" online than i do in person, but I feel like an intruder as most of them know each other in real life, while i'm the outsider from the internet.
my body is falling apart as i age.
A twisted spine, my muscles contort.
A separated shoulder, my form is lopsided.
The eternal ringing in my ears, i'll never hear silence again.
The floaters in my eyes multiply and grow.
The longer I live, the worse my experience of living will be.
I have no idea what will break, fail, or cease to function next.
I knew when I was in college, that I was having the time of my life. At the time, I knew with a resigned clarity that I would look back on it as the best time of my life.
I have yet to prove myself wrong.
I don't know how to prove myself wrong.
All my life I've lived with the flow, just following the stream.
I made few decisions, I just picked the path of least resistance.
While young, this works. You cascade effortlessly from grade to grade, to highschool, even college.
I practically fell over backwards into a job, right after graduation.
I don't know how to make any life decision other than 'do nothing', 'wait', and 'see what happens'. It seems whenever I try, things go awry, so I've stopped trying.
It turns out, the slow decay never stops.
Even if I stop trying, life will just get worse and worse, trials and obligations and constant pressures will just pile up.
I need to move, but am in abject terror of doing so, as I do not know what will happen.
More than anything else, I fear changing my situation into one worse than it already is.