>>5676719 you said here:>>5676356>I think the rape fantasies are from a lack of affection or something
And here: >>5676445>yeah this, but maybe if I had affection growing up maybe I wouldn't fantasise about being raped or something>these thoughts aren't natural
You already acknowledged that these thoughts are fucked up. Step back and try to look at this with an objective point of view. You're obviously lonely, lacking in affection, you probably don't socialize as much as you'd like. You're human, humans are wired to be social creatures, part of having good physical, mental and emotional health is companionship. Humans need touch. I'm going to hazard a guess that you haven't been touched in any way in a while. No hugs, no kisses, no hands held. You're probably isolated often, and you are probably starving emotionally. Much like physical hunger, the longer it goes, the more crazed you get, the more you want to scratch that itch or eat your fill. Your fucked up fantasies are a combination of your environment, your upbringing, your state of mind and your hunger for human contact. Your thoughts are going to extremes because of your prolonged hunger, and your exposure to hardcore pornography is warping your perceptions of love and affection. You're projecting your desire to be close with a human being onto violent or borderline violent and fetishistic portrayals of human sexuality. You are debasing yourself in your own mind because of your loneliness.
Maybe you are gay, maybe just bi, maybe not at all. Maybe you are just so desperate for that human touch that you are willing to see yourself as nothing more than a piece of meat to be used for someone elses gratification. Regardless, it's incredibly unhealthy. You are deconstructing your own self esteem and self worth and debasing yourself instead of focusing on something healthy and fulfilling.