i am glad you don't experience what i do
on some level i wish >>6964446
was right but i know it to not be true. the existence of a creator will always be an objective truth that cannot be shaken from me.
i can't fathom existing forever. i wish it would end but i know it won't. i have no control over that. i could live in ignorance of the beyond. i could reject it. it wouldn't cease to be.
if i live i live in pain
if i took my life i would live in eternal pain
if i died of natural causes i would live in eternal bliss
but i cannot fathom eternal bliss. it is a concept entirely foreign to me. if i suddenly stopped having the thought process which causes me pain, would i even be the same person for that eternity? would my mind remain intact? i simply can't imagine it. i have never known anything but this. i know the omnipotent can do anything, but even so i just can't see existing forever in any state being desirable.
but i have no say in that
there's no escape
there's no solution
there is only screaming in hopes of achieving catharsis
people don't always scream because they think it will help they scream because it releases endorphins in the brain which dull pain receptors
it's a useful tool
on some level i am helping myself by doing it aren't i
or does acknowledging the problem enough to scream about it solidify it as an issue and therefore make it something i'll focus on even more later
i do not know
life is a very slow rollercoaster i am strapped into and i don't ever know where it leads
there are many twists and turns but unfortunately the blood never rushes to my head enough to make me pass out or kill me
i just exist
i will always exist
i only hope i don't always exist like this or worse
i hope the rollercoaster takes me somewhere nice sometime