The Illuminati is an organization that has one goal in mind: “try to take over the world.” After they have taken over the world, we have noticed that the world was not enough for this organization. They have moved onto purgatory as their next victim. Recently, we have observed an epidemic of stray dogs that have been roaming purgatory. We have tracked these dogs and they all seem to go back to the same location during the night. The dogs all seem to go back to the EPCOT facility (owned by Illuminati) which occupies a station for these dogs. After further examination of these dogs, we have noticed that these stations are not just regular bases but they are charging stations for these dogs. Us scientists have been doing further research to find out exactly why these dogs need to be “charged.” We have found out that these illuminati-conditioned dogs are in fact holding microphones within their bones. This is utilized by the Illuminati to spy on purgatory’s citizens and coordinate their next attack in order to gain control. However there is no need to fear, we have investigated that these dogs are very repelled by Vicks Vapor Rub. Therefore we have created a crystal for those that would like these dogs to stay away from their homes and personal life. Holding just a pound of this crystal will allow these dogs to stay a mile away from you. Connections between audio and the microphone have a range of only 1000 feet, so these crystals are more than enough to ensure your privacy. For you Costco lovers, we are doing a special with these crystals where you can buy one and get one half off! Send these essential items to your loved ones that may be in the Animal Kingdom or SeaWorld.