Holy fuck that one hits me hard.
I just want to go home, but I know "home" doesn't exist. I just feel so out of place and lonely in this world. I can see it so clearly in my head and it makes me feel so god damn weird. I want to cry and smile and hug someone and isolate myself all at the same time. my chest tightens and my eyes well up but somehow I feel calm. I can see our house; it's small it's cozy. I can see her sitting there in our couch in a T-shirt and those gym short things with the weird seam/slit thing on the sides because they're comfortable and it's just me around. I can feel her body against mine as I sit on the couch and she leans into me, neither of us saying a word, instead opting to dwell in the companionable silence.
That is all I've ever wanted. I want a place that feels like home, and someone to share it with. I can picture every detail yet at the same time it's all so fuzzy and hard to describe- It feels I woke up from a dream and am on the verge of forgetting what it was. It feels so nostalgic and familiar but it doesn't exist.
I've never had a girlfriend, I've lived with my parents my whole life because I'm too much of a fuck up to do anything with my life, I never leave the house, I have no friends, and I just sit at my computer all day doing nothing but filling my head with escapist fantasies and daydreams because I know that even if I were to somehow make these things a reality it wouldn't be enough- I'm just fundamentally out of place and no matter what I do to try to get my real life to mirror my daydreams it will always feel off- I will always feel as though I don't belong.
I just don't think I'm meant for this world.