It's been four years since my life was tilted. I moved out of where I've built my life till then, my relationship was broken in shambles and a higher grade school started. The school's been difficult, I've had troubles to leave my apartment for some times and I got into a deep MMO junkie phase that's gone for now.
A family friend took an unofficial blood test (she works in a lab, so the test was accurate but it's all hush hush) from my mother and me last summer. The results are only logical, but still baffling. Basically my cholesterol and thyroid values are two to two and a half times than what they should be at my age, so called old man values. My backbone and muscles show the same kind of pattern. Me sitting on the computer eating whatever for four years shows. I also seem to have developed a stronger anxiety towards big crowds than I used to have. I find myself panicking over going into town whenever I'm going there - I want to be seen by none.
I feel like waste of skin, and thought myself stronger than this. Pic relates pretty hard, only that the troubles I have are of my own doing. Me, who's supposed to be a backbone of sorts to my friends. I feel I've let down my friends by becoming something like this, and I feel I've betrayed the trust of my family for slacking off from school. At this point I don't even want to go there anymore.
I know I'm better than this, but I am the only man capable of giving me the kind of strength and motivation to keep fighting all this. But I don't listen to myself, I'm not the master of what's going on. It's funny how I can keep a severely depressed friend from offing themselves, but in my case I'm as helpless as a piece of lifeless little turd. Realities strike hard.
I don't know. I feel badly damaged but there aren't people to take care of it. What little official help I've sought has not helped at all. So called professionals being only pedagogically adept at what they do.